I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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