ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
