after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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