I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
