I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
