we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
