Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
