Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
50% drunk capacity currently
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
