doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
