I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
