Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
