GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
