oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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