How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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