There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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