if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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