I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Of course I have a pirate flag
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
