I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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