he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
