Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
