You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize