i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
