I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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