I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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