i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
