If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
