My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I want to fling myself into the sun
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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