I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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