there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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