Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
