just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
