too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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