If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
