where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize