i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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