at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
