I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
