The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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