A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
