so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
