I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
