Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
