Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
