Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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