You're completely useless in the revolution.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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