Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
