I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
