my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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