I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
