I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
