i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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