I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
