hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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