That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
