So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
