True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry about my life...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
