I look better un-naked...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
